The Redneck Fashion Show
The Saturday evening meeting was beginning at Clem Kardashem’s Frogspit Feed Store and Volunteer Fire Department. Turkey season opened that morning, so hunters and volunteer firefighters were arriving in full turkey hunting attire. Technically speaking, this was a meeting to discuss fire department business, but today it would be strictly turkey hunting lies, exaggerations, and half-truths.
Clem brought more chairs in as fire chief Bart LeBeau called the meeting to order. As everyone settled into their regular spot, Bubba LeBlanc walked in after an unsuccessful day in the turkey woods. Now Bubba was sporting a brand new turkey vest straight from the official NWTF catalog itself, and it did not go unnoticed. Realizing he had everyone’s attention, Bubba did his best 360-degree pirouette, raised his right leg, let loose a fart only those present can appreciate, and a turkey chair thrust from the rear of the vest deployed and ready to sit on. The applause and cheers were deafening.
Not to be outdone, Bart pulled on his brand new, state-of-the-art electronic turkey vest complete with flashing LEDs and twenty-four 4-inch magnum ten-gauge turkey shells. A hush fell over the crowd as he walked across the floor to the coffee pot like he was in a New York fashion show. “Whoopee,” hollered Booger Hebert, “now that is a turkey wearing a turkey vest!”
Bart quickly spun towards his audience, showing off the 3 LED buttons on the front of his vest. Provocatively exaggerating every movement, Bart mashed the first button, and a mechanical arm sprang out from the vest holding a Buckee’s cup full of hot coffee as every jaw in the place dropped. Bart then mashed the second button, and a Thermacell sprang from the collar, instantly killing 3,459 mosquitos, causing preacher James Fontenot to faint. Then, not waiting for his recovery, Bart mashed the final button. Suddenly speakers sprang from shoulders producing genuine, artificially created, simulated turkey calls from Michael Waddell himself. Instantly a standing ovation erupted from the Frogspit feedstore and Volunteer Fire Department.
Smelly Landry, the local postman and community instigator, knew that Clem, more than anything, hated to be outdone by Bart. Hoping to escalate the situation, Smelly asked Clem, “where is your turkey vest?” A hush fell over the crowd as all eyes now focused on Clem. With no hesitation, Clem confidently proclaimed, “I have the ultimate turkey vest!” Clem quickly stepped out to his truck and pulled on the same vest his dad used to wear. It stunk to high heaven, it had 20 years’ worth of feathers in it, and the old vest had holes where pockets used to be. When Clem walked in wearing that vest, the place erupted in laughter. Undeterred, Clem waltzed to the middle of the floor, pushed Bart out of the way, and reached back into his game bag to pull out the 22-pound gobbler he had shot that evening. Once again, cheers and a standing ovation erupted…except for Bart. He sat there drinking coffee from his Buckee’s coffee cup, listening to Michael Waddell.
Tune in next for more adventures!